PT Political Tournament
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Imagine your favorite anime characters having duels against political leaders. It's happening right here, right now!


Yugi's Last Duel

**Yugi's Last Duel**

Everywhere the eye could see, people were dueling. "Activate the Trap, House of Adhesive Tape!" "What, that's a lame card!"

Yugi watched two noobs dueling, and wanted to tell them they ought to bang their heads on desks. They didn't know a Broken Bamboo Sword from an Astral Barrier.

"Hey, Mr. Mutou, stop watching those little punks and let's have a _real _duel!"

Yugi turned around and saw a black man who looked about forty years old. "Do I know you?" Yugi asked.

"If you don't, you should. I am Barack Hussein Obama, and I am running for President of the United States."

"But I thought Shapesnatch was nominated for that position?"

"I'm for the Democratic Party, not the Duel Monsters Idiot School."

"So you want a duel? Well, you're on!"

4000/4000

"I'll go first, since I'm the better man," said Obama. "First I activate the Spell, Ancient Rules! This allows me to Special Summon a Normal Monster of Level 5 or greater from my hand. And I select Swordstalker!"

A purple monster with black bat wings for eyebrows and a long yellow sword stood on Obama's side of the Field. It had only 2000 ATK.

"Now I summon Marauding Captain, and activate his effect to Special Summon The 13th Grave!"

"Ooh…I'm really shakin'. You have two 1200 ATK monsters, and one Level 6 with 2000. You don't stand a ghost of a chance."

"You laugh now, Mr. Mutou. But I have two cards left in my hand. They are both Equip Spells. First, I equip Sevoir of Retreat to Swordstalker. This card reduces the ATK of the monster that holds it down to the same ATK as the lowest ATK of all monsters on my side of the Field. Which means Swordstalker goes from 2000 to 1200!"

Yugi guffawed. "You are weakening your own monster! Thank you for doing my dirty work."

Now Obama laughed. He sounded like a mad scientist. "Your dirty work? Mr. Mutou, I don't think you realize what I've just done. Allow me to enlighten you. You can only attack my Swordstalker if you decide to declare an attack. Now, I'll set one card face-down and call it a turn."

Yugi drew his card. "I summon Lord of the Fairies (1500/1600) in attack mode! Then I have it attack your Swordstalker!"

"Ah, Mr. Mutou, so much to learn. You can't attack Swordstalker because it is a Warrior, and Marauding Captain protects all my other warriors from being attacked. And Marauding Captain can't be chosen as a target due to Sevoir of Retreat! Aren't I intelligent?"

"Fine, I end my turn," Yugi said.

Obama drew his card, and gave a huge chuckle. "Yugi, prepare to meet the wrath of Raviel, Lord of Phantasms!"

"But, you have to have 3 Fiend-Types to summon that monster!" Yugi protested.

"And so I shall. Reveal face-down trap, DNA Surgery! I declare that all monsters on the Field become Fiend. Oh, look. One, two, three Fiends! So, Raviel, I Special Summon you!"

A huge blue beast with purple undersides and an insect head, as well as powerful wings, appeared on Obama's field. "Now, attack Lord of the Fairies with Shimmering Smash!"

The blue beast raised its fist, and a cloud of smoke appeared. When it disintegrated, neither monster was left standing.

"Huh?" asked Obama, his mouth opened wide. "How did a 1500 ATK monster take out a 4000 one?"

"Simple," said Yugi. "See that I have no cards in my hand. Lord of the Fairies has a Special Ability. When it is chosen as an attack target, the controller can discard as many Counter Traps from their Hand as they desire to increase the Lord's ATK by 500 for each discarded card until the end of the turn. I had five Counter Traps and so its ATK went up by 2500. So…"

"Fine, then. Go you little rascal."

Yugi drew his card. "I summon The Cable Guy." A monster with a television for a head and wearing the numeral 451 on its chest, materialized on Yugi's side.

"The Cable Guy attacks you directly!"

4000/3500

"Hah! Your pipsqueak only has 500 attack points!"

"Yes, it would seem so," Yugi concurred.

"Mr. Mutou, you'll never win this duel if you play with baby cards like that."

"Look again."

Now three skinny, orange humanoid creatures appeared on Yugi's side. They had lamp-shaped heads and green eyes that looked like orbs.

"No, that's impossible!"

"Not impossible, Obama. When The Cable Guy attacks you while you have no monsters out, I can Special Summon 3 Batteryman AA from my Deck. So here they are. I'll have one attack you, now!"

4000/0500

"Now, I am a man of mercy and I will allow you an extra turn."

"You will?"

"Yes. However, if you lose, you will have to do something you won't like."

"What's that?"

"Let my fourteen-year-old daughter urinate in your face."

"No, I won't do that! Just finish me off!"

"You'll be thought of as a loser."

"Fine, I'll go on. But I won't lose," Obama said.

"I won't be lenient again."

Obama drew his card. "Will you look at that?"

"At what?"

"I activate Card of Sanctity! Now we each draw six cards."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've played it a billion times before. You might've tried something original."

"I summon Darkfire Soldier #1 (1700/1150) in attack mode!" A human with bulging muscles, a read headband, and yellowish hair, immersed in flames, appeared on Obama's Field. "Then I equip it with Megamorph, and have it attack The Cable Guy!"

The bent knife the Darkfire Soldier carried swung and struck Yugi's monster.

1100/0500

"I set three cards and end my turn," Obama said.

Yugi looked at his seven card hand. "Well, Obama, I will switch my three Batteryman AA to defense mode, set I card and call it a turn."

"How amusing," Obama said. "Now I equip Fairy Meteor Crush to Darkfire Soldier and have it attack one of your Batteryman AA!"

0700/0500

"One more attack, and you're through, Yugi Mutou!"

"Eh, I don't think so," Yugi said calmly, as he drew his card. "Now, I activate Heavy Storm!"

"You dare to use _that _card on a politician? Reveal Dark Bribe!"

"Oh, lucky me," said Yugi. "I get to draw another card. Well, now I activate my face-down, Call of the Haunted, to bring back Batteryman AA!"

"Good for you. A monster with 0 ATK is extremely useful. What are you going to do, equip it with Broken Bamboo Sword next?"

"You've read my mind," Yugi said.

"What? You seriously have a Broken Bamboo Sword?"

"Yes. But I think for now I'll equip it to your Darkfire Soldier, instead of my monster."

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Quite simply that I wish to activate my Golden Bamboo Sword, which allows me to draw two cards, but only if I have a 'Bamboo Sword' equip on my side of the Field. Which I do. And now, I activate Eternal Rest!"

"Nooo!" Obama shouted.

Smoke appeared. When it vanished, only three monsters remained on the Field. But one of them belonged to Obama.

"Oh no, _what did you do?" _Yugi demanded.

"Pulled a bluff, that's all. You see, I expected that you'd have a card to take care of monsters with Equip Spells. So I activated my Quick-Play, Tailor of the Fickle, selecting your Batteryman AA as the receiver of my equips. Now you only have two!"

"Well, two Batteryman is all I need to take you down! I switch both of them to attack mode and have one attack your Darkfire Soldier #1!"

"Oh, so naive. Reveal face-down, Offerings to the Doomed! Your Batteryman goes to the Graveyard. Your last little whippersnapper only has 1000 ATK. You're about to lose."

"We'll see about that," said Yugi. "I summon Blackland Fire Dragon in attack mode, and set two face-downs. Then I end my turn."

"What a weak monster, Yugi. You really don't know what you're doing. I sacrifice my Darkfire Soldier in order to summon Amphibian Beast!"

"Activate Solemn Judgment! I pay half my Life Points to negate your summoning!"

0300/0500

"I guess all I can do is activate Foolish Burial and send Doma the Angel of Silence from my Deck to my Grave." Obama's head went down for a moment. When he brought it up, his eyes were glinting. "Yugi, I fooled you by summoning Amphibian Beast. You see I only have one card in my hand? It is all I need to take you down! You see, I not only want to be President of the United States of America, but I also want to be the King of Games! And now you shall see what you are up against, for I summon the all-powerful, DARK ARMED DRAGON!"

A huge, black, scaly beast tried to emerge on the field. However, a Trap stopped it in its tracks.

"Obama, you and your errant ways have come to an end! Do you think I would not have a card to counter your black-hearted behemoth? I had a second Solemn Judgment set. It cost me half of my Life Points, but it leaves you with nothing."

"No, you can't do this!"

"It seems I just did."

0150/0500

Obama just stood there, dazed.

"You had better end your turn now, Obama."

Obama's voice came in a mere whisper. "If I surrender, will you be lenient and not force me to let your daughter urinate on me?"

"No, we had a deal. Unless you won, you had to permit that."

"Then there's only one thing to do." Obama threw off his Duel Disk and started running. Some referees saw him as a suspicious character and grabbed him. "When I'm President, I'll have all of you put in a federal penitentiary!" Obama spat. They ignored his threats.

Yugi's daughter finished beating a noob and came over to her father. "Papa, I've won!"

"Good going, Cherise. Now, you know what we've always talked about? Your most secret desire?"

Cherise blushed. "Yes, but isn't it indecent to discuss it in a public thoroughfare?"

"Not if it's about to come true." Yugi led her to the Presidential candidate. "Cherise, I want you to meet Obama. Obama, meet Cherise. You can put him on the ground guys."

The guards did so.

"Make his prone, not supine!"

"Okay, Mr. Mutou."

Obama now lay on his stomach. The guards held him down. "Now, Cherise, you may urinate on his nape."

Cherise pulled her pants and undies down and let out a stream of her body's wastes. Obama moaned, pining for it to be over. But Cherise had a huge bladder and she was able to urinate on him incessantly for eleven minutes. Then she got her pants and undies back up and hurried away to take the train home and get as far away from the spectators to this event as possible.


End file.
